Hey airplane wifi, 1995 called and asked for its download speed back

I’ve just come back from CES: mankind’s celebration of the gadgets that prove how much better we are than apes.

So in the spirit of evolution and human self-betterment, I thought I’d start the year with a list of things that desperately need to get with the times:

1. In-flight wifi.

Gogo in-flight WiFiThere. Has anyone ever actually had a good experience with this? The revolutionary airplane Wifi service was supposed to feed our insatiable appetites for an internet connection – even on that rare occasion when you used to be able to just sit still and contemplate what really matters in life.

Yes, I’m writing this on a plane, with the Wifi icon showing that comforting state of full bars – but the browser is spluttering out an entirely different tale, I assure you.

I have tried to use it countless times to no avail and yet keep coming back (like the battered wife who thinks she is to blame). I’ve spent probably hundreds of dollars in all but the experience is just like the slot machine I pumped $40 into this morning at the airport (against every bit of good judgement I’ve ever had).

The service is an alluring box you put your hard-earned money into hoping for a return, with a few glimmers of hope like a Facebook notification or a single email alert. But dare you open that email to read what it contains, or even more hopelessly try to retrieve the 1mb powerpoint file attached to it, and you soon see why the airplane wifi service has no place in our technologically optimistic year of 2015.

As CES just proved, we have Tesla cars with radically enhanced battery life making them cheaper and longer lasting on a single charge, huge 4k curved TV screens that you don’t need a mortgage to afford, and every conceivable connected object to help you float through life without the nightmarish inconveniences you grew up with (like having to set your thermostat manually).

In-flight wifi. You need to stop talking about an upgrade and do it. Stop whining about how the Pentagon refuses to open up their military satellite bandwidth for civilian use. Stop apologizing on your chat support while toying with us as we spend the whole flight begging for a refund.

I usually write my blogs directly into WordPress. Today however, with my last $10 gambled away in a final scramble for some Vegas luck, I’ve instead excavated Notepad from the bowels of my Macbook to publish when I touch down in Minneapolis.

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